*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Don’t snitch tag.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT