Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me