sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
BETRAYAL
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.