Sniffing the broccoli
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Brilliant!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
For anyone who needs this today
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.