<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast