*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
glue: I have a boyfriend
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*