*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
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pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost