@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

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@SortaBad

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

@HenpeckedHal

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

@Aikiwomannc

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@MichaelJErhart

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*