“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
man i love columbo
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
This is my brand.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
i made a craigslist ad !
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.