Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why