Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets