Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says