[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician