snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
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Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me My dog
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I drew y’all a little something.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally