Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir