[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”