[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
We’ve all been there
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs