Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Peace was never an option
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The biggest mystery of our time
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear