Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.