snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Cause of death: Zumba
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live