Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.