Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Extremely relatable.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.