*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side