*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
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The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
me when i see my girls butt
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Should I call tech support or pray or what
keep reaching for the stars, kid: