Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Tremendous stuff
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never