So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me too, bag. Me too….
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!