So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
You Might Also Like
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”