So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up