@matthewthiessen

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

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@1followernodad

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

@FoxCGrandpa

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

@lincnotfound

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

@Rollmaninoz

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

@fro_vo

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@DomBorrett

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@GensPlace

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

@metamecca

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?