So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!