So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

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[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.


Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again


i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham


ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT


[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*


Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.


Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco


I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..


officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?