So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
hmmm
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.