So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Bootstraps
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.