So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it