So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
is this a threat
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen