@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

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@Popehat

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

@joeljeffrey

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@brennadine

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

@rebrafsim

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

@cellapaz

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”