So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
![]()
You Might Also Like
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁