@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

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@noog

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@AngieDavisHaha

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@noog

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

@justinmatic5000

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@StoneAgeRadio13

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.