@my_minivan_life “Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
@RickAaron So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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@my_minivan_life 
@meganamram There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
@thepunningman Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
@3sunzzz So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
@Kyle_Raney *a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
@SondraDeeMe [in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@fillthevacuum Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
@WalkingOutside Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
@MomofTeen I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
@_NTFG_ A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.