So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.


hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.


Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.


My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.


Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.


*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded


I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.