@RickAaron

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

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@my_minivan_life

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

@meganamram

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

@thepunningman

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

@3sunzzz

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

@Kyle_Raney

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

@SondraDeeMe

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

@WalkingOutside

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.