@noog Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
@RickAaron So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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@noog 
@the_kizzle hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
@AngieDavisHaha Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
@noog My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
@justinmatic5000 Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
@meganamram I wish all tests were things you peed on
@Jez1 My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
@LuvPug If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
@StoneAgeRadio13 *turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
@ManJuggs I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.