Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Me: on my forearm
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.