So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.


You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.


Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”


If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.


Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.


Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm



-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today


You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.


My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”