“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.