So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.