Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁