Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

THE AUDACITY. 😤