….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.