So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice