So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen