So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question