So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
(Gaming support cat.)
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.