so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that