so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”