So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Your honor these allegations are
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda