So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
just witnessed a drug deal
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.