@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

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@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@

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The Chosen Phew

@Eithercryingor

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

@flashember

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

@BassoonJokes

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

@lisaxy424

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

@sonictyrant

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!