so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.


Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.


Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes


Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.


My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.


My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.


I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.


My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog


My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.