@TheFirstDudish Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
@Kauaibride so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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@TheFirstDudish 
@UncleDuke1969 Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
@daemonic3 Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
@Halbeerz Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
@MelvinofYork My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
@Darlainky My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
@kibblesmith I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
@adamgreattweet thanksgiving in nutshell
@OkieGirl405 My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
@foxxy311 My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.