
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!