So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.