so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.