so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Day 2 of my diet
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.