So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
You Might Also Like
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”