So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 馃憤
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don鈥檛 wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they鈥檝e learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
馃悹
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
No, I don鈥檛 think I will.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying鈥ird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: 鈥ou鈥檙e not gonna believe this
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I鈥檓 giving my family smallpox.