So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
britain’s three elite institutions
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane