So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You Might Also Like
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”