@DanMentos

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

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@chris_isloi

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

@dru0887

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@MavenofHonor

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

@

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.