“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
You Might Also Like
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”